Dirt to Glass : Tears to Roses
by ILycorisI
Summary: After Inoue's betrayal Rukia has a rare moment of clarity that takes her back to another man and another time she can never return to, but very soon would be confronting. One sided KaiRuki, one shot. Pre Huco Mundo.


I sat there, unmoving, looking out upon the Kuchiki gardens from my windowsill. As usual it gave me no pleasure and I turned away mentally scolding myself for being so weak.

"I'm sorry Ichigo." I said aloud knowing that no one could hear me. Renji had promised he would come and get me after his interrogation by my elder brother, "We'll both escape and get to him." He had whispered as he had been taken off she wondered why she had not been questioned also, more special treatment?

She slowly let out a low sigh, running her fingers over the smooth hilt of her zanpakutou and she couldn't help but feel like she was running away. It was her duty to help Ichigo, not only because Inoue was a precious friend but also because he would have done the same for her, he **did** do the same for her, and she knew he would do it all over again if he had to.

These thoughts caused her to remember that day she had first seen him in Soul Society. He had vowed to rescue her even if she refused and he smiled as he assured her he wouldn't die. That smile brought back so many memories, ones that didn't include Ichigo. Ones that belonged to another time and another man Rukia could never return to.

---

"Kuchiki!"

It was my third week being a part of the thirteenth division and I still hadn't gotten entirely accustomed to it. But the appearance of the fuku-taichou, Kaien-dono, at the gates of the Kuchiki manor was certainly not what I expected to see as I got ready for my first mission.

""Kaien-dono!" I cried with genuine surprise as I walked off the front porch and up to the taller man standing on the other side of our gate. "Good, your awake!" "We could use some early risers like you on the squad." He said cheerily before turning to the two other figures beside him, one was a woman not much taller than myself with caramel colored hair, and the other a man with a broad set frown set upon his face. I believe I had seen them on my first day in the squad upon meeting Kaien-dono,

"Unlike you two, Kiyone, Sentarou."

"Fuku-taichou!"

The two cried in dismay before getting into and argument about something along the lines of 'stop copying me'. I looked up to Kaien-dono who currently had a big grin on his face before tentatively asking, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

The man looked at me for a moment with comedic shock on his face before scowling, "I came to pick you up for your first mission of course!" "Didn't we already talk about this whole manners deal?" He stated brusquely as his firm hand came down upon my head once again.

"Yes!"

I squealed as I nearly fell over the gate, the three shinigami laughed and I would have been terribly embarrassed if I hadn't noticed what a nice sound it was. Especially the sound of _his_ laugh, "You're funny Kuchiki." Kaien-dono told me as he helped me up and chuckled once more before he showed me the way to the training grounds.

It wouldn't be long after that when I would do almost anything to make him laugh.

---

After that day I would always wake up early and wait for Kaien-dono by my front gate, he had to pass the Kuchiki manner to get to the training grounds as well so we would always walk together. He never questioned why I wanted to walk with him, or my constant use of "dono", and the best part of all of this was, he seemed to honestly enjoy my company. I was free to be myself with him, a privilege I had never really had before. And I would often lie awake at night wondering what we would talk about the next day.

Even as we got closer and he taught me many new things, there were still so many things I didn't know about him. One of these mysteries was the young woman who would always visit him after missions and practice; he would leave my side for her and sometimes would head off somewhere not to return until our next walk. I was truly curious as to who she was but was too afraid to ask.

One day Kiyone and Sentarou caught sight of one of my brief glances toward them and giggled.

"That's right! You've never met Miyako-sama have you?" I turned to them, a brief smile spreading across my face before asking,

"Miyako-sama?"

Kiyone patted me on the head in mock imitation of Kaien-deono before saying,

"Yep, Kaien-sama's wife!"

I was too shocked to say anything and I soon noticed Kaien-dono running toward us, 'Miyako-sama' standing not far behind him.

"What are you two telling her?" He called to them halfway up the hill,

"Awe! Fuku-taichou you haven't told her about your wife yet have you?"

"How sweet!"

They chimed dodging a punch from Kaien-dono. "Will both of you shut up! Don't tell me you've broken into Ukuitake-taichou's sake cabinet again?"

"We wouldn't do that!"

He turned to me now seemingly more flustered from their antics than usual. "Come on Kuchiki, come meet my wife." He said before taking off back down the hill.

I ran after him doing a poor job of hiding the excited smile on my face. But it quickly turned to shock and admiration as I neared the woman; she was truly beautiful even more amazing up close.

"You must be Kuchiki Rukia? Kaien has told me so much about you," She beamed down at me I parted my lips but no sound came out. Kaien-dono rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment as I searched for any suitable words.

"Yes I am. It is very nice to meet you madam!"

It would have to do for now.

She chuckled and bowed to me "It's a pleasure to meet you as well".

As I stared up into her clear eyes so unclouded and peaceful many feelings came over me. At the time I couldn't decipher them all, the feeling of wanting to hold her, the feeling of wanting to **run away**, the smell of hate, the scent of **love**, and most of all a yearning to become one with **her and Kaien-dono**, delighting in their happiness, despairing in their sadness, feeling everything they felt as I watched over them within my own safe cloud.

---

Not long after that I began my training with Kaien-dono. It began when I confided in him my worries of not being of any use to the squad. He assured me I was a valuable asset and offered to help train me.

I at once refused saying I could never take up his time like that, but after Miyako-dono said she thought 'it would be wonderful and she couldn't wait to see my progress' I felt obliged to accept his offer and secretly delighted in it.

Just when it seemed Kaien-dono had already taught me a lifetime of knowledge he taught me so many new things, things of battle, things of hollows, and most resounding to me, things of heart.

As I continued to train with him though something strange came over me, those times and nothing else mattered in my mind. When our progress was interrupted I would inwardly curse whoever had been the cause. I became so attached to those times and Kaien-dono himself it began to scare me. The overwhelming possessiveness I had been feeling recently was nothing like my previous emotions toward him, they had always been pure and thankful now they had become twisted and dirtied.

I was ashamed and for a time avoided him as much as possible, I didn't open up to him as much as I used to in fear that something else would slip from my grasp and Miyako-dono and Kaien-dono noticed it.

Kaien-dono never asked me what was wrong and I began to grow wary of him still not fully understanding what had come over me. One day he asked me to join him at the same hill he had introduced Miyako-dono to me at, he told me with all his sincerity that he would be by my side for life. I silently thanked him for it, was he truly worried about me? That gave me some pride but at the same time an overwhelming amount of guilt and I decided if my avoidance hurt him I would just force myself to forget my previous feelings and stay on bad terms with them. Never realizing what they were,

I once again put all my heart into our training and the two of them seemed comforted by this and we were able to go back to how it was before. Happy. If there had been any way to prolong that happiness even now I would never look back and run for that chance.

---

It was a cold day when I finally achieved shikai, my first release. Kaien-dono was so proud he went bragging to all of the thirteenth squad my zanpakutou was the most beautiful of them all. Naturally the rumor spread and there was nothing I could do about it,

It was after one of our final training sessions when it happened; it wasn't unusual for us to take a break at Kaien-dono's house but this night Miyako-dono wasn't there as per usual. Kaien-dono said she had business to attend to and that she wouldn't mind, I tried to refuse but he just laughed and told me "It was fine, we're only stopping for a quick drink of water anyway".

He insisted on getting it for me and after some argument I accepted, I sat down on his front porch and looked up into the trees a sense of unease settling upon me. I ran my hand over my zanpakutou, Shirayuki, and smiled. "I wonder if you'll ever be able to become as amazing as Nejibana is." I whispered to it,

"Kuchiki!" I heard my name called and hurried up the steps to meet Kaien-dono halfway, "Here," he said holding out a bamboo thermos I smiled and thanked him putting my hands over it, but stopped momentarily to look at his face. For the first time I looked directly into his eyes, filled with warmth, and pride for me, his student, but something was missing.

That's when I realized it, as his eyes moved over my form, the emotion I had seen in them when he talked to Miyako-dono, the feeling of being right there with him, the feeling of being the only thing that mattered, was gone, or greatly lessoned at the least. That look was save for her and her alone, the same look that came over Nii-sama when he would look at a picture of his late wife. The same look and feeling I held solely for Kaien-dono.

No sooner had I realized this I moved in closer to him, feeling the warmth of his breath on my face. Thinking how nice it would be to have that breath fill my mouth…

But as soon as the thought crossed my mind I jumped back, horrified. Kaien-dono looked at me with confusion as he put a hand to my forehead, "You alright Kuchiki?" "You seem kind of out of it."

"Yes I'm fine! I was just thinking…"

I trailed off,

"Thinking?" Kaien-dono repeated.

"Umm, about Nejibana! When did you first get him?" I cried out the first thing that came to mind and Kaien-dono's usual smile returned.

"Nejibana huh?" "Well come on sit down, I'll tell you." He announced as he slid his wait onto the steps I followed after him, it was a stroke of luck I had exploited Kaien-dono's weakness for story telling.

As I watched him animatedly chatter on about his sword, (A discussion I would have been normally very interested in,) I realized what a great sin I had almost committed. If I hadn't brought myself back to reality in time I would have, kissed him, I would have **kissed** Kaien-dono.

Miyako-dono's Kaien-dono!

But wait, I paused once more wasn't he also _my_ Kaien-dono?

---

Not long after the second half of our training session, Miyako-dono came home. Looking worn out but just as beautiful and kind as ever, I excused myself and wished them both a good night as I ran back to the Kuchiki manor.

I lay awake in my bed that night, not thinking about tomorrow's training session or the conversation I had held previously with Kaien-dono but rather how I could fix all of what had occurred. When had I sunken so low? Why had this suddenly come over me?

But I realized it hadn't suddenly come over me, I had let it happen, I had let myself slowly fall in love with Kaien-dono. I sat up, it was the first time I had so bluntly said it, but it was the truth I loved Kaien-dono. But I also loved Miyako-dono that I knew was also true. I truly, honestly loved Miyako-dono and didn't want to do anything that would hurt her but that didn't change the fact I loved Kaien-dono as more than a teacher, as more than a comrade, I loved him so much more than that and yet that was the problem.

And so I accepted my feelings, but that didn't make it any easier, I could feel the small tears welling up in my throat as I debated what to do. And yet I already knew what I had to do, for the sake of Kaien-dono and Miyako-donos' happiness I would keep my feelings within me and never let them control me again.

I had once been compared to an iceberg; you can chip the surface of an iceberg but even than you've only just begun to look inside. And while you do this the shards of ice will fall all around you ripping at and cutting you, it is a miserable existence.

And so ice I would become.

I remembered Shirayuki's true form and smiled for the first time in what seemed ages but had really only been a few hours. It gave me no ease, "Maybe you knew better than I did." I told her and lay back down.

_For your sake I'll cover myself in ice and never awake._

I had a dream that night, a dream I was running from something, something I couldn't quite make out (something I didn't want to make out).

---

Unfortunately a week after my decision something happened. Something terrible, and I couldn't help but wonder if the gods were punishing me for my great sin.

Miyako-dono died.

No rather she was killed. By a hollow, Kaien-dono's eyes immediately became lifeless when he saw her cold body lying motionless and I could only barely make out his vow of revenge.

Ukitake-taichou and I came along with him to hunt down the hollow and perhaps it was because of my emotionally wrecked state or maybe it was just not my battle to begin with. No matter what the reason I was powerless to help him. I could only watch as Nejibana was shattered and the hollow overtook him I held my breath and prayed that he would turn around, but when he did instead of Kaien-dono's eyes I saw dark pits of hunger. I would have given anything to see Kaien-dono's real eyes then, even if they weren't for me, even if they never held warmth again. Anything had to be better than _this_.

The rest of the night was a blur of the hollow's nightmarish face, taichou did his best to protect me and I ran away. Terrified of the monster that had stolen Kaien-dono from me, if I just kept running I would wake up from this nightmare, I would see both Kaien-dono and Miyako-dono again and they would scold me for being scared so easily, tell me I need more training. Right?

Even than I knew, just like my feelings this wasn't something I could run away from. And so I turned back as if in a trance.

I returned in time to see the captain cough up blood and I couldn't take my pathetic self so I drew Shirayuki from her sheath sweat pouring down my face as I held it out in front of me unable to do anything else. I heard the Hollow's laughter and a moment later Kaien-dono was impaled by my blade, the blade he had helped me obtain. He thanked me and apologized for dragging me into this, I wasn't able to tell him that it was entirely my fault. Or that I would have gladly given up my life for him and Miyako-donos' happiness, I only let the rain fall on my face and his body lean into mine as he took his last breath.

And than I said it, the words that had been bubbling on the tip of my tongue for some time now.

"I love you Kaien-dono."

Suddenly with utmost assurance I realized I had finally done it, I had done something even worse than falling in love with Kaien-dono. All my life I had been running, from my life in Rukongai, from Renji, from my feelings, and now finally, finally, at the end of it all, I had run away from Kaien-dono.

And I let myself cry.

---

Had I just heard footsteps? I looked outside my door, nothing, I could sense no misplaced reatsu in my vicinity either.

I sat back down shivering from the sheer detail of the memory. "We can't let something like that happen again." I told Shirayuki as I lay my head against the cold, smooth, wall.

I couldn't lose anyone again, I wouldn't lose anyone again, not after Kaien-dono and Ichigo had fought so hard to help me regain them once more.

_I wont let Inoue throw her life away and I won't let Ichigo be alone again._

_I will do everything in my power for them._

Having decided this I stood up. I would find Renji myself and implore Nii-sama to let us go to Hueco Mundo if that didn't work than I would fight. There was no way I would leave Ichigo's side again when he needed me.

I opened the door and stepped back into my own time,


End file.
